As a child I threw the occasional temper tantrum. Today I have a vague idea how frustrated my parents must have been when one of their offspring suddenly turned from a shy, freckled and stub-nosed little girl into a screaming, purple-faced, missile-launching monster. Yes, I had a habit of throwing things, whatever happened to be closest. One day my red-hot rage almost killed one of our birds. After violently kicking the air, my slipper detached itself from my foot and made a beeline for the birdcage, causing it to topple off the window sill and – fortunately – come to a stop on the back of a sofa. Our poor little tiger finch was wildly flapping his wings in an attempt to stay airborne throughout the ordeal and kept complaining loudly for quite a while afterwards. As the disaster unfolded my rage evaporated into cold sweat. The realisation that my anger could have actually killed someone shocked me. It might have been “just a bird” to most people, but I have treasured – and tried to protect – the life of every critter I have came across since I can remember (aside from the occasional mosquito where, I have to admit, my anger management tends to fail me). In case this incident doesn’t convince you that I had an anger problem, I also once hurled a rock at my sister while she had her back turned.
The reason I’m disclosing this rather embarrassing personal history is that impulse control is a big deal in dog training. Although we usually have the dog in mind when we talk about impulse control, what I want to focus on here is our own mental and emotional stability. It matters, not so much in relation to if and how dogs may “pick up on” our internal emotional states, but rather what it is we do when we get emotional and how it can sabotage our training attempts.
Setting the bar where the dog can reach
Anger is an emotion that can cause significant damage. I have to assume that not everyone experiences the kind of rage that I described above, but I’m sure we all have experienced anger in some form. Some people may find it relatively easy to channel their emotions appropriately, for others it may take years to learn self-control while still others either see no need to do anything about it or are simply overwhelmed by their anger.
While expressing anger towards another human can sometimes be justified and even useful, being angry with a dog belongs firmly into the “makes-no-sense-whatsoever” category. Of course we can feel angry about something the dog did, such as chewing up the remote control, but to hold the dog responsible and therefore direct our anger towards them is irrational, anthropomorphic and simply unfair.
Even worse is losing one’s cool when training a dog. How well and how fast a dog learns is a function of their genetics, their experiences, their relationship with us and how good a trainer we are. If the dog doesn’t “get it”, there’s no point accusing them of stubbornness or stupidity. If the dog doesn’t learn, it is due to our failure of taking all parameters into account and training the dog in a way that enables them to learn.
From “boom!” to bust in an instant – don’t risk it
When we get angry with our dogs, it is often because we don’t feel in control of their behaviour. Because anger interferes with rational thinking we are likely to target the dog rather than considering why we lack control or if controlling every aspect of our dog’s life is even necessary. Out of anger we may yell at the dog – or worse – and then probably feel guilty afterwards. Unfortunately, even a short outburst and even if it is redirected at something other than the dog – let’s say we slam a door – can potentially instil fear in the dog and make future training more difficult. Depending on the dog’s sensitivity, it may take weeks or months to regain the dog’s trust if our tantrum was scary enough for them.
There is nothing worse than having a cowering dog with tail tucked slinking around you every time you want to do a little training exercise. It’s annoying. It’s sad. And it gets in the way of efficient and successful training.
Having a submissive, fearful dog can become a serious challenge as the results of fearfulness are often far-reaching and may affect areas the dog had been perfectly fine with before. We also know that fearfulness and anxiety have the potential to cause long term physical health issues which may become costly and make the dog feel even more miserable.
For dog’s sake – breathe, think, have a plan
So it really is important to pay attention to our anger and how we express it in front of our dogs. Because it can take so little to damage the relationship, it is best if we have our own impulses under control and walk away if we feel overwhelmed.
One part of the process is an awareness of all those dog-related myths that persist in our society which cause us to blame dogs for simply being dogs. And the other part is to steer our own thinking away from those automatic thought patterns. If we teach ourselves to immediately assess what we have missed every time the dog “messes up”, we can preempt irrational feelings and spontaneous reactions based on anger. Maybe we should have put the remote control out of reach. Maybe we didn’t teach the dog in small enough increments so they could succeed. Maybe we put them in a situation they just couldn’t handle.
Having a clear idea what we expect from our dogs, a plan how we get there and management options until the dog is ready (or for situations that cannot be addressed with training) will help us keep a cool head and not blow up when things get difficult. It may need a little practise to get there but it is absolutely necessary if we want good behaviour from our dogs and enjoy their happy and carefree attitude which is, after all, what makes our lives so much better.
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Great post! Staying cool when training is so important! I’ve learned a lot about controlling my own emotions from working with dogs!